Am I a generous person?

“No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted.” ~ Aesop.

“With gentleness, overcome anger. With generosity, overcome meanness. With truth. overcome delusion.” — The Buddha, Verse 223, The Dhammapada.

Generous (adjective) in the Latin root of the word means “of noble birth,” by no means is generosity limited to people in positions of power. According to Emmanuel Levinas, the French philosopher, a generous person will display these qualities even if they know the people or group he is helping is not going to do the same in return.

Generosity (Noun) — the quality of being kind and understanding, the willingness to give others things that have value — is often defined as an act of selflessness; however, studies are now showing that generosity is actually (selfishly) in your best interest. Practicing generosity is a mental health principle, and it could be the very key to a happy and healthy life.

In Buddhism, Generosity is really a very basic thing. We think generosity is the hardest one but actually it is the easiest one. You can read on the list of ten perfections of earlier Buddhism (Theravada), the first is Dana / Perfection of Giving. In Gampopa's Ornament of Precious Liberation, the discussion of each of the perfections is divided into six topics. The first topic is the reflection on the faults of not practicing and virtues of practicing generosity. Giving / Generosity is the first training that the Buddha gave for everyone.

According to Buddha’s Teaching, we need to practice generosity to purify miserliness. It doesn't matter how much you give, but your motivation in giving should be pure. What is important is to purify our mental afflictions and develop the Buddha qualities. Those who do not practice generosity will be reborn in poverty, or as a hungry ghost. In Buddhism, It’s not just generosity as we normally think of it. Generosity is giving things, which is great; but the far-reaching attitude of generosity is combined with both compassion and wisdom. It’s different from ordinary generosity, because it is motivated by the wish to become a Buddha in order to benefit others. The Buddha taught, over and over, that generosity is the first door we walk through if we are serious about our spiritual work. Without generosity enlightenment is flat-out impossible.

Emotionally, generosity is fulfilling; practically, it can make the world a better place. There is something so special about generous people that brings life, joy, empowerment and freedom into the atmosphere when they turn up. We can teach our children to live a life of generosity whether they are financially secure or not. They don’t have to wait to have an income and our generosity doesn’t have to be limited by our income. The only thing that limits our generosity is our mindset and our character. Generosity comes in all shapes and sizes; it is not just about giving to those who are in need, it is just as important to give freely to everyone. Our friends may need a word of encouragement or appreciation, someone might need the gift of being listened to, or someone might just need to be understood. People who are generous in spirit are the ones willing to appreciate those who they may not even agree with on some issues; we can show generosity in many different ways. 

We just need to practise, to make a habit of giving. When there is a need for money we give money. When there is a need for time we give time. When there is a need for energy we give energy. Where there is a need for education or culture we give education and culture. Here at this stage I am just talking about giving in response to needs, open-handed generosity; sharing our money, goods, time, energy and intellect with others who need them. In every need there is an opportunity, an opportunity for us to give, to share. Even giving a smile to others is generosity. It costs nothing, but it is a great practice. But if you show your frowny face, people will be afraid. There are different kinds of smiles: a genuine smile, a politician's smile, a sarcastic smile. So when you smile, make sure it’s a genuine smile. Think about what the other person wants or needs. It’s not always about material things; it’s about being giving of yourself. Sometimes just being present and available to a loved one who is having a hard time is the greatest gift you could possibly give.  Simone de Beauvoir said, “That’s what I consider true generosity: You give your all, and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.”

Giving material thing is actually one of the easiest things to give, but it can be really hard sometime if you attached with it. Even when you give a cup of water, you should not attach with it, and then it called generosity. In the practice of giving material, as with other practices, the motivation is the most important thing. We want to give with a kind motivation toward the receivers. Motivation is very important when we give. If we give with a wrong motivation, such as making gifts which we hope will harm others or which we intend to bring us fame, or if we give with an inferior motivation such as through fear of future poverty, then that is improper. We should never give what is harmful, for instance, when we give something suitable it should be generously, not meanly. When we give something to others, we should be joyfully, respectfully, with a compassionate heart and without regret. It is better to give with one's own hand rather than through others, to give at just the right time, and, of course, to give without harming others.

            Not only giving material things, we also can giving loving protection, If somebody is in trouble, helping them out, protecting them. Helping those who are traveling, if they are afraid that they might lose their way, accompanying them, giving them the things they need or giving them the instructions that they need. If two dogs are fighting, interfere. you see a bug drowning in water, scoop it out. Also it’s important to give loving understanding/offering wisdom to others. When you help a friend make a good decision, or see both sides of a problem, or take a broader perspective, you are offering wisdom. When others see you as a wholesome role model, you are sharing wisdom. If you are a teacher, you are in a position both to demonstrate wisdom with your actions and to speak wisely. If you are a parent, caring for your children gently and with patience is a form of sharing your wisdom. Simply acting with kindness, speaking truthfully, and considering what is best for others and yourself, is to offer wisdom.

            I have seen too many generous people being taken advantage of, that’s why we have to combine our generosity with wisdom because Being generous doesn't mean being stupid. You don't have to give money/time to the lazy and/or the addicted. Don’t give to the wrong people. If we don’t trust somebody, if we think something is not going to work out right, we don’t want to give in a way that we might regret it later. If we give and later feel regret, then we destroy a lot of merit that was created from the giving, and sometimes we also become disillusioned and disappointed and more suspicious. Really think well, then, about giving so that later we don’t regret it.

            This is also important, if anyone give something to you, never ever refuse it but always accept that and say thank you. Even if you don’t want tp – you can always give it to someone later. Never refuse the beautiful acts of kindness and giving, because that’s what makes the world beautiful place, people share things and kind to one another. It’s okay to learn how to give, but don’t forget to learn how to receive as well. Don’t only think about yourself but also think about other because they need to do good deeds like you did.

Have you ever noticed that the happiest people you know are also the ones who bring the most happiness to others? Practicing generosity is a mental health principle, and it could be the very key to a happy and healthy life. And well, what are the results of being generous? There are many benefits of giving, both in the here and now, even The Buddha explained that. If you are a generous person and always practice generosity, your heart is going to be free, other person is going to be happy and you are also going to create a lot of positive potential that will bring about wealth in future lives. You are also going to create positive potential that you can dedicate to becoming enlightened for others’ benefit. That’s wonderful!

When you are generous or kind, it influences other people to also be generous and kind. The act of being generous causes other people to believe in a world where people are generous. If everyone believes in a dog eat dog world, then they act accordingly. The more people have the innate belief that people are good and that people are kind, the more they will also act on that belief. Even if you are occasionally scammed or taken advantage of, you have still influenced someone subconsciously. When we give to others, we don’t only make them feel closer to us; we also feel closer to them. Being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably.

Helping people makes you a good person, regardless of whether you get anything back. Think about what are the results of not giving and what are the results of giving. In that way, through understanding, it becomes very clear what is the best course of action to take, not only for ourselves but also for others. Giving is not something that we should do, but it’s something that we understand, and so we want to do. Again, as with all the practices, understanding is very important. We can train the mind in this way.

Each day life presents us with hundreds of opportunities to be generous; by making a lifestyle out of generosity, we can do ourselves and others a world of good.

“Do all the good you can,

By all the means you can,

In all the ways you can,

In all the places you can,

At all the times you can,

To all the people you can,

As long as ever you can.”

— John Wesley, Letters of John Wesley

Forgiveness is Beautiful~

9 years ago,

I’d had enough of so much pain and sorrow, and the constant yelling. Soon after, I watched my mother cry bitterly as she made the decision to get a divorce. I was 17 years old at the time. My father cheated on my mother with two different women, thinking my mother wasn’t good enough for him anymore. Later in life I understood that it was he who felt not good enough, but  when I was 21, my father married again after 2,5 years divorced. Unfortunately, I was a unlucky woman who is really lack of affection from someone who called father. I grew into a young woman without the guidance of a father. In this world I don’t lack of anything other than the affection of a father. I don't even know what it's like to have father-daughter relationship because I honestly have no idea and experiences about this relationship. Pity me! I remember, one day he got very drunk and began calling me names like “little cockroach,” because he knew I would never be as good as others. My father made me feel so small for so long, but I’m finally ready to be strong.

  

I ever lived in wealth but we fall into poverty in the end. I almost dropped out of school when I was secondary. I can’t pay school fees and I need to find a way to earn money to be able back to school because I don’t want to be in the poverty. I hate poverty so much at that time. I remember my classmates laughing at me for wearing the same pair of blue skirts every day for a week.  I asked my mother to buy me some new clothes or new uniform and she told me I should be grateful for what I had. Poverty grabbed my happiness and my teenage years. I lost time to play with friends at my age. At that time I was 14 years old and I have to think about how do I get money to pay my school fees. How sad!

The divorce helped me become mature, stronger and wiser. I was always there for me and my siblings playing the role of both loving sister and father. My raising made me think that, if I ever had children, I would never let them live the hell I lived.

I learned this the hard way, sadly. Some days I would get very angry, and other days I would feel hopeless and unloved. This eventually pushed away the few people that really cared for me. I couldn’t change the past, and I didn’t like the insecure, angry woman that I had become. I had to release that pain and anger. Some people might view what happened to my father as karma, but it’s hard for me to see it that way. When I learned about his troubled childhood, I realized that’s where his behavior came from. I finally understood why he did what he did. I know a lot of people who had sad, painful childhoods, who turned out to be wonderful parents. Pain can give us huge lessons and make us better people. This was the most important lesson in my life. I was the target of joke at school because, at that time, children who came from broken homes were seen as troubled kids. I hated my father every time someone made jokes about my divorced parents. I blamed my father for all my failed relationships. I hopelessly looked for approval from the men I dated, only to be dumped like a hot frying pan. I was destroying myself with hatred and pain.

Trying to find something and someone to inspire me, I came across one quote by The Buddha that struck a chord with me:

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Buddha)

The Buddha also said that, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

I was poisoning my life, my few friendships, and myself. I’d missed a lot of the big things in life because I’d spent so much time hating my father and my problems. I learned not to repeat his mistakes, and to pay attention to my own behavior. The past can be painful but it doesn’t have to define us. We make our own present; we are our own person. We can’t erase the past, but we can choose to let go of the pain in order to live a happier, more fulfilling life. I focused on myself, spent time with family, eventually found good friends, and then finally felt lighter and at peace.

In the end, I learned that forgiveness is not about the other person; it is about ourselves. Everybody in life has enemies. The best way to stop an enemy is not to confront them and hurt them, the best way to confront an enemy is through a lot of compassion. A lot of forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean let them take advantage of you. Without forgiveness the world can never be released from the sorrows of the past.  Someone quipped, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” Forgiveness is a way to move on. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our own sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry.

That experience encouraged me, but when I turned to my father, the process was much more difficult. Forgiveness took many years, but in the end I forgive my father. As I meditated and wept, I felt the pain of my own closed heart and wondered how I could forgive him. I breathed and practiced forgiveness. Time heals all wounds, or so they say. That’s when I realized it made no sense to continue hating him for the horrible childhood he gave me. Life was already giving him a tough lesson. I know he is going through as much pain as I am feeling. I wanted him to know that I forgive him for what he did.

I meditated on my own for a night at a savanna surrounded by trees and accompanied by chirping birds. At that moment, when I was meditating alone, something popped-up in my mind. That’s called Forgiveness Verses :

If today, yesterday or long time ago, anyone has done something wrong on me; through body, speech or mind, big or small, because of envy or less wisdom, now sincerely I forgive them and negate revenge.

I forgive, because remembering how often I also make mistakes.

I forgive, because realizing how much I always defend myself, expecting forgiveness for my own mistakes.

I forgive, because knowing that by keeping evil desire, I will hurt myself more than others could do to me.

I forgive, because promised myself not going to talk about other people's mistakes to others.

I forgive, because knowing that the desire of revenge will only cause confusion, fears and anxiety in me.

I forgive, because in this way that loving kindness, compassion and let go feeling will develop in me.

I forgive, because knowing that just like me, they were still burning by greed, hatred and ignorance.

I hope this forgiveness would help me to be able to forgive again tomorrow and each day. Hopefully this forgiveness will encourage them to also be able to give forgiveness to me and others. Hopefully forgiveness help me to bring up the seed of  release, kindness, help me reach liberation and enlightenment.